Monday, January 13, 2014

What it all comes down to

Sat night was not a restful night. I had a hard time sleeping, Little One had a hard time sleeping. It was not good. 
So I didn't wake up feeling the greatest Sun morning. My husband had set an alarm so that he would be up and moving before J woke up so he could be sure everything/everyone was ready before he left to pick up a friend before Sunday School. His alarm went off and he rolled over to talk to me and I did not respond well. Basically I told him to get out of bed and get dressed if he wanted to be up (*and leave me alone to sleep I don't feel well what is wrong with you* is what I was thinking). About 25 minutes later I was awoken by the sound of my older child in his room ready to get up and out. And my husband didn't answer.
And didn't answer. 
So I dragged myself out of bed, very grouchy at this point (because, seriously, what was the point of him getting up early if he didn't get J??).
By the time I got my robe on and got to the door my husband was up the stairs and told me he would get J. At which point I grouched at him for making me get out of bed. 
*sigh again*
So back to bed I went and complained to God about how I didn't feel good and it was making me grouchy and I needed help. Badly. I asked for an attitude adjustment. Then I got up, got dressed, took care of Little One, went down and made coffee and helped my family get out the door. I wasn't anywhere near as grouchy as I was first thing that morning. I was still exhausted, but I didn't feel that miserable irritation in my soul, and I was no longer making those around me feel it either.
What's my point?
Well, I guess my point is that grouchiness is a choice. It can be really difficult to choose a different attitude, but by now I know what things will help me in that endeavor.
Coffee helps.
Taking a quiet moment.
And prayer.
God helped me turn my attitude around when I was exhausted and feeling under the weather, but I had to make the decision to let Him. And my day was better because of it.
Oh, and sorry, Honey, that I was crabby at you Sunday morning.

Friday, January 10, 2014


I am constantly thinking of things I could write on this blog, but whenever I think about trying to actually do it kids or life tend to get in the way.  Now, when I have a minute to sit and write (with my baby curled up on my chest and my hubby at the other end of the couch doing his own writing) I find I can't think of much to say.

My toddler has been fighting a cold of some kind this week.  I've been exhausted from probably the same thing.  Baby seems to be healthy so far, but going through some kind of growth spurt that makes it hard to get him to sleep (which of course adds to the exhaustion).  We've been watching movies way more this week than we normally do in deference to the fact that neither Toddler nor Mommy feels well enough to play hard.  It's a good thing I like Tangled because we watched it 2 days in a row this week and I don't tend to like to do that with movies.  While my son has been extra cranky, he has also been extra cuddly which is always nice (except when he is desperate for me to hold him while I am nursing Baby Boy - that gets difficult).

I have been thinking lately about all the "parenting advice" articles out there and trying not to wonder if I am ruining my kids.  Is it bad for my son to be spanked occasionally?  Am I giving him a complex when I tell him something he is doing is wrong rather than only pointing out his good behavior?  Should I link his identity so much to being an older brother?  Am I turning him against his brother when I tell him he needs to wait till after I change the baby, after I feed the baby, etc?  Am I?  Should I?  Is this wrong?  Did I miss something?  Is my kid going to go bat-crazy and start sleeping upside down because I let him sleep in the dark?  (he's 2 and after a week of having a nightlight declared he wanted it "dark" when he slept - so much so that my husband hung a blanket off the side of his bunk bed so it would be darker in there.)  I don't think these questions and others like them are ever going to go away, and it leads me to wonder if I should stop reading parenting articles just to save my sanity.  But then I'm going to question if I'm really a good parent if I don't read advice.  It's a vicious cycle.

So here's my current favorite picture of the boys to make me feel happy:

Goodnight all.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Birthdays all around

Remember what I said about being "full and ready" at 2 days past my due date?  Ok, fast forward a week and I finally go into labor.
Then stop.
Then go.
Then stop.
Then go.
Because that was what my labor was like.  For two days.  But, as my midwife kept reminding me through this pregnancy, all kids come out sometime and he won't stay in forever.  And he didn't!
This little bundle of awesomeness was born at 1:14am on Oct 31 (Yes, Halloween.  Also Reformation Day)

Although things took what seemed to be a very long time, I am so happy we were able to birth at home this time around.  I felt so much more relaxed being in my own room with just my husband, mom and midwife there.  Afterward I was able to curl up in my own bed with my baby and his daddy and zonk out.  It was exactly what I needed after the stress of my first son's birth.

Baby C is happy and healthy.  We are learning so much about each other every day.  The hubby has been able to stay home from work all this week and look after Toddler J which has been amazing and really given me a chance to rest and heal.

Monday will be our first day home just Mommy and the kids.  No, I'm not nervous about that at all, why do you ask? (While my inner voice is screaming "Help me!")

And in other news, today is my 30th birthday.  Which is a very strange thing to say.  I had a list of goals somewhere to complete by now.  Some of them are done (like buying a house! that one I had not expected to come true yet), while others remain a dream. One of the reasons they remain a dream is because I've put some stuff on hold to have and take care of my children.  And much as I am feeling my age today, and all the things I haven't done yet, I have to look at these boys in amazement and awe and wonder how it is I have been blessed with (and tasked with) raising such smart, fun, beautiful children.

Today I'm going to try to own my birthday, and be satisfied with what I have accomplished.  When I think of things I haven't done, I will try to put them in the future - haven't done yet.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Close to the end

I'm coming to the end of my second pregnancy.  At two days past my "due" date I am feeling full and ready.  I know that the baby will come when he is ready, but the waiting game is hard.  Hormones are playing havoc with my emotions, and not sleeping well does not help matters.

Family helps.  Being with my parents, my sisters, my in-laws, gives me some rest both emotionally and physically.  It's not that J is hard to deal with, it's just that he's another person that I have to give attention to.  And as much as it's difficult to say, it's nice to have a break from being the main attention source for my son.

Church helps.  Music, corporate worship, the reminder that God cares for us and is watching over us are all comforts to me.  Last Sunday the message was on Psalm 42, and even though I was interpreting at the time it was an encouragement to me.

Sunshine helps.  Gloom lets me wallow, and wallowing is depressing and when depressed I am unable to be the mother and wife I want to be.

J helps.  Today while we were waiting for my dad to show up he climbed up into as much of my lap as was available so he could play with me.  Then he asked for cuddles and when I hugged him he spontaneously said "I love you, Mommy."  These are the golden moments I wish I could cherish forever.

My husband helps.  He has been nothing but supportive through all my emotional and physical ups and downs.  He supports my desire to birth outside of a hospital and has been to 95% of my prenatal visits with me.  He rubs my back, he reminds me to eat, and he doesn't criticize when I just need a nap or can't do the laundry or the house isn't *clean*.

God helps.  All of these things and these people have been put in my life by Him, and I cannot thank Him enough for being ever by my side.  I hate to think what I would become without His Light and Love to guide me.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Just a couple of pictures

When did this beautiful baby (1 year ago)

become this amazing little boy?

Monday, March 4, 2013


My son has been sick since Friday and, of course, shared with me.  We haven't been sleeping much.  I am worn out.  And tired.  And wish I didn't have a head full of snot.  So here's to looking at the good things that I have experienced since Friday morning after a night of about 3 hours of sleep and 4 hours of dozing/waking up constantly to comfort my baby.

1. Friday morning my mom came over to watch J briefly while my dad took me to get some baby medication.  He bought me coffee.  It made me feel human.

2. Sat evening Stacey bought us Chinese food and COKE.  I got Coke!

3. The we got to pick up my sister from the airport as she has been in Florida for a week filming a tv show (read about her adventures here:

4. Sunday morning we woke up having had more sleep than the last 2 nights put together and cuddled in bed as a family till the ridiculously late hour of 8:30 (if you have toddlers you might understand that I'm not being sarcastic when I say this was very late for us).

5. Day old cinnamon crunch bagels for breakfast (thank you, Nikki!).

6. Sesame Street on Netflix.

7. The opportunity to go to Walmart Sunday evening which gave me a short break from my beloved son, netted me another Coke and ran us into my other sister who was there for vehicle checkup.  Which meant we stood and talked for 30 minutes while playing with squishy balls in the kids section.

8. Robin eggs (the candy, not the baby bird kind) from my mom.

9. My husband is being very supportive and understanding and helpful and generally awesome.

10. II Corinthians.  I'm not keeping up my reading schedule as well as I would like, but it is so worth it when I do read what I am supposed to.

This too shall pass. Now I need to go find the Kleenex...

Thursday, January 17, 2013

A simple truth

I've been thinking.

(Which leads me to say, "A dangerous prospect."  I know.)

Last night I was in something of a depression.  I had again the realization that I am not the best at anything, I am not the top in any of my fields.  In the past the way I have dealt with this is to remind myself that no one has my particular mix of talents, but this wasn't helping last night because I went on to thinking that there are a lot of people out there who are better than me at a lot of things and if I can't be great at something what does it matter if I am mediocre at a lot of things??

Like I said, I was in something of a depression.

But I stumbled across a truth that I have neglected to remember for quite some time: it doesn't matter.  Recognition of people, no matter how good it feels, is not important.

What is important is how God sees me.  His opinion is the only one that matters.  And if I can remember that it makes my life so much more simple.

Sure, I want that recognition from people, I want people to tell me I'm doing a good job at (insert word here).  But I am reminded that it isn't important.

I'm not the best at (insert word here) - but so what?  Does God care?  No.  God wants me to Love.  He wants me to love Him and to love other people.

And here's the kicker: the Creator of the universe Loves ME.

And that's what needs to color my world.